***Healthy money***

They say the most important thing in the life is to be healthy…
But in order to be healthy you need money, so you could pay the medicine, pills or whatever you need…
Sometimes, your sickness can not be healing by pills… in that case what will you do?
How can you treat a broken heart? How can you treat the sadness?
How does it feel to be sick?
We never realized when we are sick until we are near of the death…
We told ourselves that “we will be OK”
We want to believe in those lies, even doctors says it… “Do not worry, if you follow my instructions you will get better”
Months went off… and it is the same….
You suddenly realize that you are really bad… that no matter how it looks you are sick… you start to think they are people worst than you, so you should not worry…
But the truth is … in life we do not have to look at other position, if they have money or no, if they are healthy or no… no matter how selfish looks… but we have to care about ourselves…
Out of the blue, when you start caring about your health you recognize you need money too…
Sometimes, it is easy to let it be, “if god want me dead then go ahead”

Today I figured out, that the way I am living is not all right, although I say to myself that I will be OK, that I am really ok… that there is people living worst than me, that I should not worry about it…

But it looks like I should worry about…
Doctor says… “You are tense you have a lot of stress and worries carrying on your shoulders… why so much? You are only 16 years old”
I ask myself too… why I am like that ? But is something I can not stop doing, worrying about almost every little thing in this world… maybe I just think too much… But everybody have their worries and still they can have a perfect health… so then is my body? My body can not handle it?

So, I started thinking in order to make my dreams come true I need to take care of my health… but later I figured it out something else… money….
I do not want to cause more wastes than I already did to my family… I remember why I stopped to check out my health, because my mom’s money will run out so quickly… And I have been just that… a waste of money…
I know my mom and sister have their dreams too, and I can not think about only myself… so I realized that health is not important, that I should be doing my best, studying, finding a work, so, I could give money to my family…

Somehow I start to hate myself… I found that I am worthless… not doing nothing for my family, I do not work and I still want to study aboard in other places… also worrying my mom about my health… and make her waste money in me… it is ironic, that you have to pay thousands of money just to know that you are sick… what a joke right? Pay so much just to know we are about to die… if that is the case then I prefer not to know…

Then I wanted to cry, and I asked me “why could not I be fine?” “Why do I have to be sick?” so I realized how people feels, not because of your own feelings, because of the people around you… that will worry…
I told myself “why there is not a magic or a pill that will make you be ok?” Because if it is not something then is the other thing, so, you never will be 100% fine…
I told myself then I should just die the way I am, do the best I can, and wait or have faith that you will die in a distant moment…

I said to my mom “just let me die” and my mom argued with me “How can I let you die? Are you crazy? You will not die!! You just need to take care of yourself and do what doctors said”
But even if I get to be fine again, I will return to the same sick later… because it is like my normal condition of my body…
Also I want to use that money for better things like my education or to make my dream…
Because what is the point of living a healthy life if you can not make those wishes… I would prefer doing my dream and then I could rest in peace…

But another fact comes to my mind… that is… that is what people who love you so much do… Because they do not want you to go, they want instead to sacrifice their life for their kids…

So, I realized what true love means…

-Vwei19
~~~~~~ [Verok-chan]~~~